The point of this blog is to find myself.
I will be putting here the daily/weekly/lifelong struggles and working them out in words.
I should probably start out putting who I am right now. What I feel is relevant about myself at the current moment is that I am going to be 22 in 20 days. I have a beautiful son. I am currently married, but am separated from my husband. I am seeing a guy that I work with. I am working on getting my drivers license. I am a cake decorator. I am overweight. I am currently living with a family friend and his daughter and they are like my dad and sister.
Todays struggle is getting my room and the house clean. Simple enough. I just need to get off the internet. hah!
Some of my other current struggles right now are working 40 miles away from the place that I live and not having a vehicle. Further on my job, I am the only cake decorator in the building at a fairly busy walmart. So literally every cake that goes out of the building is made in the 32 hours a week that I work. The full time cake decorator is having problems with her hand and is going to PT for it.
I have done about 17 hours worth of driving. I sent in for the road test date about a week ago. My goal was to get a date back before my birthday. Im feeling more and more confident as I go along. I hadnt got it before now for a lot of reasons. Mostly just a mix of legitimate reasons and excuses. But once Harrison (my husband) and I split up, I knew I had to get it asap. I have a car though, so once I get my license I will be able to have more control over my schedule.
I am currently in a relationship. The guy is really a fantastic guy. He helped me a lot when I was going through my separation with Harrison. He is great to my son and he puts a lot of love into the relationship. The thing that kills it for me is that his parents are crazy. I dont think his dad ever emotionally matured past high school, and his step mother is psychotic and steals my stuff. I just got out of a three year relationship with someone whos parents hated me, I honestly cant take it any longer. I so want to just have inlaws that at least like me and can have a decent dinner with me. There are a few reasons that breaking up with him at this current point wouldnt be a great idea. 1) I work with him. This might not sound too bad, but we literally work the same shifts in bakery/deli at walmart. Yeah, in one where it is set up where we are so close we share a freezer. I would have to see him every single day I work. On top of that if I were to break up with him now, it would look pretty bad as if I had used him for a place to stay while I didnt have my license. Which really isnt true. There was a point in time where I really really liked him a lot. But hes never been in an adult type relationship and when I tried to talk to him about some things that were bothering me, he completely shut down and wouldnt even talk with me about it. I cant handle having to teach someone how to communicate. So, Im going to have to wait until after I have my license for a bit to actually break things off.
More on why I want to break things off: ever since I was in THIRD grade, I havent spent more than a years worth of time single. So in 13 years, I have been either dating someone or trying to date someone. I dont know who I am at all! Are my interests fabricated and stitched together from who I was dating? I have committed to being single for six months once I break things off with Mike. Maybe longer. Who knows. I really need some time to focus on me and my baby.
Another thing I am currently working through is my lack of friends/social life. I have traded numbers with a few people now and i text with them all often but none of them have tried to hang out yet, but nor have I tried to, but Im always working or have the baby, so until I have my license, its too much to ask. But I am actively working on it!
Now for my weight problem, I am planning on starting a couch to 5k program and getting into shape. today I weighed myself at 240. I want to get down to 150-180. I'm 5'6" so its not an unhealthy weight at all. I have started watching what I eat this past week and making it a point to not eat as large of portions as I have been trying to drink more water than I used to and eat more fruits and veggies. I feel pretty good about it overall.
This summer, probably late August, I am planning on going to Florida to meet my dad for the first time ever. I am going to be going down in my car with my baby, mom and possibly Harrison, so that he can meet his family along the way. After I get back from Florida, I am going to focus on getting my own place in Ellsworth and possibly getting a better job than the one I have at the restaurant. I love my job as a cake decorator, but not so much the Governors one anymore. It will be good to save money through the summer, but after that, its not worth it.
In the long run, I would really like to be a midwife. Or a lactation consultant. Either or. I think both would suit me really well. I am already a breastfeeding peer counselor with the penobscot tribe, so I think the latter would be the easier course, and I wouldnt be on call 24/7. haha.
Well, this is enough for now. I am not making any promises about how often I am going to post or not post. I am going to do my best to get to where I need to be to get back to basics and figure out who I am and where Im going in life.
Xx
